That's what we has always been working towards to, be at ease. But what's next?
Recently, i didn't feel too much of sukam; rather more discomforts and a whirlpool of emotions stirring inside. Most of the time, i just feel a gush of anger. No, i'm not angry with anything or anyone, the feeling just arises almost caught me at a loss of what was actually happening to me.
Once, my practice came to a point where i was pretty comfortable with; as my physical body was able to manage the practice almost smoothly. Which i almost fell into the area of being too comfortable, or rather, complacent.
which as means that i'm exploring into unfamiliar grounds. The discipline of the series does not allow the practitioner to pick whatever pose that we like to practice on; by having to follow the sequence, i can't avoid difficult situation, but to face it.
More effort, more struggles, more body aches, more falls and more attempts is pushing myself to maximize my boundary.
Emotions arises, emotions that triggers past memories arises too. I didn't really like it, not too sure when did it creep back into my mind again.
Past memories just surface up whenever they like to, so does fear and anger.
While busy struggling with my physical practices, overcoming myself for the many attempts to continue; the negative emotions are not helping me to feel any better, but worse.
There will be some point that when the recollections showed up, i felt so upset inside, at a loss of how i should handle it. Suddenly, every fibre of my muscles started to fall apart, and i could not muster any strength to move on at all.
I even almost wanted to give it all up, slumber down on my mat and cry out loud. Phew! I didn't.
Somehow every time i manage to pull my focus back and kept reminding myself to move on.
Pull back very muscles fibre and be stronger.
We love making same mistakes, and we do get comfortable making the same mistakes, out of fear.
It sounds stupids, but its true. A mistake is a mistake, if we repeat them. A mistake is a lesson if we don't repeat them.
That's what happened to our past memories; it kept popping up, because i did't handle it the way i should be.
Yoga practices, has the ability to dig into our old accounts of our past deeds. Whether we want to start anew fresh life or not, we can't run away from our unsettled old debts. I don't like it, but i'm not running or avoiding from it.
I'm willing to work hard to handle every bad debts that i've accrued.
So, does practicing yoga actually make us more calm?
Yes, after the crazy hard work of handling thunderstorms within us.
Then, why work so hard to fight the thunderstorm? I don't know.
What i do know, is that there are so many question inside me, that the material world can't satisfy me.
There are so many wonderful experience i want to be in touch with that i couldn't get it from the outside. I do taste that sweetness of honey after each thunderstorm i've fought with,
and i want more of it.