1/4 of second series--- Stepping into a not -so- peaceful practice.

Within the few years of commitment with the Ashtanga Primary, i would be so eager to want to do the Secondary... all so attracted by the fanciful poses.
Now, when its in my hands, i am rather approaching it very cautiously.

James started bring me into some second series poses, i was all excited about the practice. What i did not realized before was the up- roaring emotional effect just over few months of practice.

Besides the deep extension and flexion of the spine, or the exploration of full range motion of the joints--- there was this commotion stirring up inside me, when i couldn't really grasp it well.

So finally, one day i injured myself, and i totally back- off from the intensity-- and retreat back to modified Primary practice for couple of months. During this "recovery" time, i was aware of the changes internally--- more toned down than before, more at ease.

As when i felt more emotionally ready, i returned back to the second series under James recently.
I'm sure many practitioners too experience the over-whelming and up- heaving emotions surges during their early stage the secondary. In especially all those deep backbends and extreme chest opening positions-- many uncomfortable things within are happening in that 5 breaths.

What i personally experience as i started the second series ( i didn't go that far, probably just a quarter of the whole), images attached with not- so- nice feeling show up in my head. This didn't happen in the Primary practice--- this reappearing of the past issues happens whenever i pick up second series again.

It is kind of frustrating for me, because i re- enter into episodes that didn't make me feel good--- not in the past and not in the present.
I felt sad or angry once again, for which i thought i'd consciously moved on long time ago.

Sarcastically, these nerve- cleansing effects from the second series was telling me--- how i did not actually get over those emotions, and that i was just carpeting over them.

A re-visit to the practice, i am taking it with more maturity and more willing to allow the process of uncovering my layers of emotions from the past drama. I will not say secondary practice in any one point is comfortable for me now---- its a good time and stage for me to grow.

When not to believe yourself.

As there are time to believe yourself, there are time to disbelieve yourself... 

There comes the time, 

When i live enough with busy people,

I was starting to believe that, 

there's not such a thing as

human. 

We are just vessels in operation, 

to run the the daily routine,

as perfect as possible.

I was walking on the edge of self- conflict-ion;

in any second, falling into my own trap of believe,

that those humanity tales,

are just old folks stories?

Else, why don't i see them on the streets?

Soon, i'm beginning to believe that

good people are coming to an extinction.

This is the time,

the crucial time that i chose not to believe myself.

This is the time, 

i make an extra effort to pull down all

curtains of judgments,

opens all doors and windows of mine.

The time when i felt darkness was engulfing my whole,

when i see that darkness is how the world moves.

I learn not believe myself,

and i noted the stars,

the moon spoke to me, long enough

that the sun appear from the horizon

and broke through the darkness. 

And lives happen once again. 

All i want for X'mas is this and that.

Yesterday morning after my practice, i lay down on my mat for a while reflecting my journey of 2013.

Event after event i recalled-- it's been great actually, for all these while i've been surrounded by good people, really good people who just popped up whenever i thought i met my end--- some are already close to me and surprisingly most appeared as strangers then friend.

They are my angels, their inspirations juice out just by how comfortable they are being themselves.
Along the way in busy days, we can easily get caught into trying to fit into boxes of categorization that people tagged. I do develop a constant awareness to unbox myself--- because i don't want to live my life according to others'.

I just attended a lovely wedding of a friend that i met once during his travel to Singapore, and at his wedding was the second time i met him. Many people asked why did i even go all the way to Hongkong for someone not considered a close friend? 

Upon receiving his invitation, my first reply to myself was " i'll go". Then somehow the mind started to contribute its reasoning and analyzing... which i hesitated for a while.
Why shouldn't i? So, i booked my flight and went. 

I was caught into surprise when questioned, all i knew was that he is one good hearted person who inspired me-- and i appreciated this friendship. And i got into couple of deep conversations with the people there, which was very valuable to me. 

This year i had my fair share of living spontaneously, with those impromptu activities and solo travels. It has been a rich year so far, and i wouldn't just stop right here... more to come!

Just few steps away from X'mas and i have an ocean of wishes, but i'm going to ask Santa for just three drops of it:)

First drop... I wish for my blessings to all the good people around me for they can continue to expand their good vibration to more people.

Second drop... I wish for my blessings to all the difficult people i've met for one day they will meet the one angel that could touch  their heart, just how i'd been touched by some.

Third drop... I wish for my blessings to myself, so i can share my sparkling dust upon the people i meet along the way of the many steps ahead.

Don't, exploit your student.

A second chance to experience Hongkong....
I didn't have good impressions about this city, let alone great. It was the summer, we were mind-jammed with information attending the yoga conference.. out on the street to get back to the hotel was a torture. 

It was so stimulating, too.. and i could suddenly shut down when i got onto bed. and for that one week, i operated like a robot. 

2 years later, i got an opportunity to give myself a second chance to experience this bustling city in winter, with a more open mind of different perspectives. It turns out pretty well till now!

Finally i got my daily dose of practice after shopping through the rainy cold moon day!
And this morning practice ( at a beautiful homely shala at Wan Chai), i felt the sun burning inside me, and i think i was the only one looked pathetically sweaty, even with the least amount of fabric covered.

You never get too wrong meeting another community of yoga folks!

Its so interesting i realized that the first thing i would google on my travel plan, is to search for a Yoga Shala. And then, my accommodation and the rest of the itinerary will fall into place.

So, as i travel and practice in different shalas, not only as a pure student.. sometimes i do observe the teacher relationship with the students in the class. I learnt on a reflective basis.

The focus of the practice from a teacher, has a direct influence on the students. And it reminded me to be very careful not to exploit the students base on my " favoritism" of certain aspect of the practice.
Say, i love back bending posture, though it always scared the sh*it out of me...

For that so many benefits and good feelings, i wanted my students to reap those too ( too because that many working people has got really bad hunch on the back)... And i put my focus more on back bending.

After some period as i mature in the role of teacher, i learn not to tag my opinion on the students;
and rather take each student as a organic individual; provide them with information at the level of practice they are at... so that they can digest--- and then feed them bit by bit.

Its like taking care of a baby, we don't throw them a whole bun and let them handle... they will choke.
We give them small tiny pieces, bit by bit... and slowly when they are strong enough to handle more, we let them be on their own independently.

The sky is clear and the sun is out today,... maybe because i did my practice today!

This is how my yoga practice makes HER worry less:)

Really, no matter what age we are at, mum always got something to worry about.
I would usually briefly note mum about my travel plan--- so the scene of mother hen looking for her missing chick frantically will not happen.

Previous years she would never fail to display her unhappiness for my India travel plan.
" mum, i'll be in India for XX months"
" Oh, you better be very careful of the Indians, the news always report....."

" mum, i'll be going to Bangkok myself"
" Oh, Thailand not very safe, there are riots, the Thai can be quite violent, the news reported yesterday..."

" mum, i'm going malaysia"
" Oh, malaysia politics very unstable, and news reported the malaysian..."

" mum i'll be gone for Bali"
" Ah, indonesia very complicated, why you always go this type of dusty places.."
" Not Jarkata, Bali got lots of fresh air.."

" mum, i'm going diving at XX"
" Is it safe, the water not very safe these days.. are there sharks, there are fishes will bite.."

Yesterday...
" mum, i'm going to HK myself next week, not at home for XX days"
" Ah! eh... you be careful.. Hongkong got a lot of robbery and murdering cases"

" Mum, last night Little India has got riot, so we should not stay in Singapore, its not safe anymore.."

Sometimes, i thought. If i were to be an obedient girl to my parents ( which i'm obviously not), i would have missed out so much fun and life experiences.

So, sometimes... maybe most times, i choose not to listen to my parents. For so much investment they had put into our education, i believed i have the ability to make my own decisions and capability to uphold any responsible of those choices.

Once master Paalu, my teacher said how our role as children will switch as we grow. Which in turn, we are slowly taking over the role of being a parents to our aging parents.

I had been thinking, how should we serve our duty as children--- so that parents can worry less...
i mean, they will worry anyway, but maybe lesser..?

For so many times as my mum has been teasing, objecting and even disgusted by the choices i made--- But, one day, she mentioned a line which gave me a reassurance that i'm not too of a bad kid..

I was in the midst of my practice in the living room...

" I don't have to worry about adeline. I know she can take care of herself."
Because, she was actually the one who witness my practice most of the time at home-- shocked by the amount of sweat i can spill,  keeping quiet with an wide eyes when i fell hard missing my balance.

Her words actually fell on me like sparkling dust from heaven.
Great for me, because the last thing i want to give my parents as a grown up kid-- is not to worry about me. They shouldn't.

For all those "unsafe" activities of mine in her eyes, actually makes her less worry about me!


Independency, its another word for freedom. 
I enjoy the feeling of freedom with self- discipline;
Thus my creativity is alive in such a space.

This, i really have to thank yoga practice for teaching me so much about life. 

Too juicy, maybe?

Take all our actions with courage!

Picking up the choice of following the lineage of Ashtanga practice has never been easy for me physically. But fortunately, the map of the practice has been interesting enough to keep me wanting to explore more & more.

While majority of the Ashtangis come in lengthy, lean and slim bodies ( somehow this type of athlete body are more attracted to such practice)--- i belong to the minority.

I can be, i have to be crudely honest with myself:
I don't have a lengthy body, my parents gave me a shorter version. My thighs are chunky than most Ashtangis out there.

My body is not naturally flexible-- but i do have a soft body... that's because my avoidance of any vigorous exercises when i was a kid-- no chance for the my muscles to tighten.

I never enjoy sweating, until i had my love at first sight with Ashtanga--- sweat gland has become my another best friend.

I started Ashtanga with zero strength; that i would curse and swear where the heaven those inner strength teachers mentioned was about.

Because of my "compressed" body, i struggled in the practice all the time--- i constantly have to find space around my body so i could finally get into those pretzel twisting posture.

Been doing the pull back and jump through umpteenth times, and my toes still fall to the mat. i've stopped blaming my arms for being too short or my bums are just too heavy to lift--- i'll be very patient with myself on this area of practice.

Honestly, in recent years, i started to appreciate the structure of my body--- i am fleshy, and yes i like the way it is.

Quoting from Prem: We need to have Ojas, you know.. the juiciness in our body.
How to identify--- a fleshy bum!

Loving my ojas!

How do you make a blind man see?

How do you make a blind man see?

Sometimes, it just almost automatically, that i want to correct things that doesn't seems correct to me.
When the correction didn't happen the way i expected, i feel frustration. Mostly with myself for not being able to understand the situations within me.

I'd long come to terms that we can neither control the external environment nor the people around us--- i had learn to respect the space each of us are living in and not forcing my suggestions into people's throats.

Whenever i'm fussed up by the disturbances from people, Shirly always reminded me that everyone we meet is there to teach us some lesson we had yet learn.
I could agree to that at some point, but honestly--- i've to admit that there are some lessons i have not got the capacity to learn now, maybe much later.

When i was at my early stage of teaching, i couldn't understand why some students reject the help they asked--- yet the constant complaint about the issue they are facing.

Why can't they see the potential bigger issue if they don't do something about it right now?
Why when they know the solution, why closed both eyes pretending they didn't know about it?
How can they life in fake comforts with so much pain hugging on them?
Why do the choose to have no choice, when there are so many?

Over the years, as i grow in various roles, i realized the importance of widening my perspective.
Every thing that are happening-- is neutral. We have the ability to see it as a positive or negative. And that decision emote how we response.

Everyone told me-- " Ignorance is bliss".
I believed them.

One person crossed my path, told me -- " Ignorance is bliss, till life gets you."
And i grow.

How can we make a blind man see, if he enjoy being blind?
How do we make someone eat, if he refused to open his mouth?

I learn a huge lesson during my recent trip in Bali.
While all the time i thought i was the problem, yes i was the problem.

I do have to comes term with myself-- to accept what i see as sufferings in others, even though i feel its not right. 
Learning to respect that people do enjoy being in darkness, bleeding in injuries, living in denials or letting themselves slide downhill. 

That I'm am still a human with limitations. I have to honor my limitation, or i'll have to prepare for injuries. I respect my space and do whatever i can within my capacity. And finally, free my hands off whatever has to happen. 

No breath, no life. Be with it.

Where's the God in yoga?
Somebody asked me.

When i just started my practice years back, i would be constantly searching for the God.
Its must be hiding somewhere, and when i find God, i'll be in peace forever.
Thinking back today, i guess i've a better personal understanding about such a big word.

I'm not really keen to use the word "God", because its very much misleading; given how loosely it has been interpreted in books. While some may be sensitive towards seeing it as religious practice-- and creating unnecessary misunderstanding.

As my practice goes along, i could be less bothered of how the 'God' should look like, how i should keep it in my mind or even seeing it as a separate body.

Slowly, i find myself integrating such universal energy, just by being with my breaths. That's all.
I don't know if there's "god", what i can see now is breath is everything--- its practically life.
Being more patient now, standing on my mat, observing my own practice in action--- i'm willing to appreciate my breaths more.

Experiencing the flow of the breaths, is experiencing the reality of life.
All those debating on where's "god"...... just breathe.

In Ashtanga world, we often hear " Practice, and all is coming"
I totally agree so. 
As action speaks louder than words; many abstract forms can be understand only at different stage of our personal practice. 
Without going through those inner- experiences, the knowledge will never be understand completely.

Just by showing up in life.

As the Yoga Conference had just come to an end, i've been sorting out information in the little space of my hemispheres. Getting in touch with the other practitioners and teachers, has definitely open up my perspective of approach towards life with the supporting system of the yoga practice.

In the opening speech from first day of the conference, Prem voiced out his appreciation for his understanding how " not easy" and effort for everyone to actually appear for this event. Be it financial, making free time off from work & family and environmental condition--- there's a common reason that we ( different people) made our way to that huge pavilion.

We can always give as much reasons for not doing, but we just need one reason of conviction for doing . Seeing how the Filipinos group fought their way through the bad weather in their hometown; and the delayed operation from the airport, they still made it to the conference.

Along the conference as each teacher got the chance to share with us their stories that makes them who they are today--- i see one thing in common--- While each individual path is different, and challenging in their own way, the teachers never bother much about the many obstacles ( expectation from financial stability, time, work, friends and families).

Just by bringing focus on one thing, just one thought--- that guided them through all the so- called obstacles--- and today.. pretty much unemployed and happy.

And those knowledge and wisdom that appeared during the practice, has somehow taken care of their whole life. Faith (shraddha), falling into something, surrendering totally into it without knowing what it has to offer.

While in Singapore, i'm pretty much exposed to the yoga scene of commercial and physically focused on the postures. Sometimes, i do get lost into the delusions of having to keep up with all the others. That the more physically advanced postures we can do, the more "advanced" we will be.

Among the many Ashtangi teachers with full- bodied practice over the decades; here they emphasized never on the postures besides proper alignment of the physical practice. That reminded me that foundation work and a grounded practice is utmost essential.

What i received, is the importance of breath work during such dynamic practice, so we can access to the healing elements from the practice.

Healing, its a healing process; not a competition.
This happens over time of committed practice; not a problem solver in a snap of fingers.
We change for a better; not necessarily comfortable during the evolution.

As practice goes by, our priorities change. Clarity in mind and making better choices and decisions in life.

~ Mark Darby 

Conference by Danny Paradise: The yogi that teaches by invitations

I've never know who's Danny Paradise, if not for this conference-- or maybe i've heard his name somewhere, but not really read much about it.

Seen his photo somewhere, just one impression--- the man with a fluffy curly hair with the hair band ringing around his head. Colorful & fanciful.
Very quiet person, at least among the many teachers in this event.

In one of the morning practice, he was the first teacher that asked permission to adjust me--- which i rejected him due to my leg is still in the process of recovering ( its going well:) ).

Today in the 3rd day of the conference, Danny Paradise shared his story the whole of afternoon, that caught the audience's attention. I was pleasantly surprised by his great sense of humor, that lightens such heavy topics we were in.

" The more yoga you do, the more unemployed you'll be"... pretty true. Not because you'll become a yoga teacher, just that we begin to realized what we love to do, get into it--- and not a day we're working ( any type of engagement).

What really got him into this practice--- the method for healing. He later explained how the brain frequency behaves when we do yoga. Savasana ( corpse pose, the last resting pose in every practice) is utmost important -- not advisable to skip it, because that's when all the magic happens.

During the resting pose ( about 15mins)  after the vigorous practice, in the deeper level of relaxation, the brain waves slowly moves into teta state-- that's when the healing process starts--- and this increases our perceptions and creativity seeps in.


While the mind likes to follow rule---runs in linear;  but life follows the flow of nature in fluidity.

Sharing that his practice wasn't as rigid it " should" be, rather " approach the practice appropriately on that day, because everyday is different, endless changes. Be very aware of what's going on each day--- that's how we learn to be in present."

Many ashtangis enter the practice as if wanting to complete levels and level of challenges, by fighting through poses by poses, series by series. We can unconsciously forget the whole idea of the practice is not a competition--- its to experience the essence of healing; that hold the vitality throughout our life gracefully.

" I've woken up numerous time feeling old, i've honored that!"
~ D.P
* if you practice yoga, you'll get the humor :)

After the afternoon talk by him, i was so drawn to his humbleness. I had a sudden urge, and went up to him. Stood in front of him and asked " Can i hug you?". Very generously, he gave me a big hug:)
I didn't think too much about it, i just wanted to..!

Conference by David Williams-- the man who brought the torch from East to West.

Selamat pagi peeps!

I've finally gotten some time after my practice to doing some writing today.

Its the 3rd day of the Ashtanga Yoga Conference in Ubud, its has been really a good eye-opener for me. Meeting the groups of hippies teachers who rocks on since the 70s till today--- meeting the pioneer batch of students of Sri K Pattabhi Jois was just like a dream came true--- and of course Manju Jois ( son of guruji); who i thought i could only watch them through the Youtube.

" i want to be healthy and happy, but when i looked at the people around me.. they are getting sick and senile. Oh, i don't want to be like this.!"

Yesterday, David Williams had a great talk in the long afternoon, inspiring indeed!
This man, i swear to god, can't believe my eyes that he's already 68-- he must be lying-- those smooth skin, strong & loud voice and those vibrancy in his eyes.

The westerners have to thank him for introducing such ancient practice all the way from India. What really touches me is his constant integrity for living a life he wants to-- that one quest when he was a boy, that sets him up in a adventure, even until today!

He once came to a cross- road, the options to return to the city or to travel into the unknown.
" Once i stepped into the city of London, i said--- oh my god! Let's turned back and go India. I rather die in India than going back to a structure and squarish city life."

There's this magic bus he hoped on--- journey to the East!
And so, he did... way out in search of what this whole practice is all about.

I've never really read up about David Williams before-- after listening to his long long life stories--
how many people can invest whole life long of commitment, and goes on to expand the benefits of it to the rest of the community. Not many.

Whoever that is still practicing on the mat, i'm sure they had experience the " ah- ha" moment-- and we want to dig the well of nectar more and more. David Williams showed us, not only we want to taste the sweetness of the nectar-- we want to dig it more to share it with the others too.

" Yoga is a life long practice, you want to keep it happy and simple. Not hard and tough. So that you can always want to return to your mat everyday, for your whole life. Let's practice, and hold that little smile in your heart, and smile."

This morning practice was funny, Annie Pace was say loudly " in the practice, even Man will become Boy!"  True to that, no matter how tough or brute strong or hard we thought we should be or are, yoga just has the ability bring the gentleness within us. 

A short note for my students.

Sometimes, i can't even believe it for the thought that suggest of dropping my practice. After few years of practice, the body soreness still hit me very regularly---

Yes, to my dearest students who thought that i'm a wonder woman, i do sweat through stiffness of a morning body, gasping for life in back bends, maybe some days of not able to bend over the sink to wash my face comfortably and rolling over the bed with whole body of aches.

I feel you.

I understand the thought of stretching the hamstrings can send a shiver down your spine. The idea of doing a backbend can sometimes feels like a suicidal.

But, eventually, we still get through the walls of fear and doubts. Somehow, the next breath we took after all those struggles... we felt more alive.

All those imagination of " i'm not going to handle.." was actually non- existence.

For dearest students who just step into the practice, please be patient for progression;
and please be very brave to handle the upcoming issues. 

I'd started out my yoga practice just like you do.

Yoga is anything, but an escape from your problems. Instead, it guide us to lean towards them, and walk through them-- and we become stronger. 

If any of your thought appear like this:
" I want yoga to help my back pain, but i don't want to work my back because its too painful."

Think again if it make sense, because it sounded like this actually:
" I want to wash my muddy shoes, but i don't want to handle the mud."

Just like you, there are times i wanted to drop the challenging practice and choose an easier options. But i never did entertain the thoughts for more than a minute.

The reason is simple to me: If we can't take responsible for our own problems and issues, not only we will suffer, the people around us will get affected too.
Think about your family member, do you want them to worry? The answer is "no" for me. How about you?

Whatever we do, there's ripple effect. And we definitely have the intelligence to make a choice, what type of ripple do you want to create?

I laughed during our time in the class... not because i enjoy watching how much pain you're going through in a forward bend--- because i saw myself through each of you. Its like watching a flashback when i was too falling all over the floor.

Students, don't be afraid of the challenging that will and shall be running towards you--- you are not alone. 
No worries, i'll not make you fall, and i mean it. If you fall over, its part of the plan.

Give yourself one step, one month, one year... at a time. Be patient, and you'll get there:)

The very fact that, we either live with all these self- created problems, which it'll keep growing in years.
Or we start to dig them out and clean it off while its still manageable. 

Either we catch them, or they'll imprison us.
We can't run away, anyway. 

Discriminate.

He who knows how to preserve energy,

lives a fulfilled life of wisdom.

He who knows how to splurge life force,

lives an unfulfilled life of foolish. 

The wise and unwise,

spaced between the crack of

discrimination, viveka. 

Yes, i'm dropping out two months for myself.

I can feel the holiday breeze kissing my cheeks, and i'm outrightly counting down to the day i'm taking myself off from any teaching for at least the next two months.

As much as i love my profession, i've arrived at the stage that i do also yearn very much to be just a student. Just this year, i did experience some points of burnt out, which i really dread it. There'll be months i got so caught up with classes, and struggled to pull myself back to the mat. 

Even if i managed to, i became impatient with my practice and injured myself literally in my own hands. Understanding from the yoga sutra that mentioned in the first chapter how the fluctuation of the thoughts can easily push us off track. 

This year was special, when the profile of my students shifted from physical aliments, to mental and emotional pains. As from them, i slowly discover how the symptoms of persistent physical aliments lead us to the seed--- in most causes, the inability to manage the negative emotions. 

In my case, i'm checking out "depression." 

No matter how much "non- attachment" i've been reading and applying for the past few years; to be honest, i do get affected by some of the students. Or probably i should say i'm not really ready for it, but i'm not giving it up.

As my usual routine was to retreat myself in mysore, back to basic, lots of space for some thought pondering, big sky, simple food, reading, practice and lots of sleep. This year i'm not heading to Mysore, instead to bali for a short break. 

 I'm very happy to get my advanced dive license just few months back, and definitely going to explore the sea or even a few short trips to the beaches is great.

Even if i'm in town, i've promised myself not to touch any teaching class for the two months--- and i'll take the opportunity to do nothing at all, i'm happy with that! 

Some people was concerned about how am i going to survive without income--- no problem,  i'll earn it later.

Money at this point, shouldn't be a hindrance to self- discovery. If i can survive that little before, why can i today? 

As much as i do understand some experienced teachers could constantly straddle between giving and receiving and even striking a balance comfortably; i've not. Still being green, i do swing between burnt out, or wanting give up altogether. 

I have this burning fire in my stomach to learn ( not necessarily yoga related, on anything), to see more and to dive deeper in the ocean of life-- and for that to happened, i need space and time away from the daily routine, out from my comfortable couch and place my both feet on the unbeaten path.

Hola!

Equilibrium on duality.

Duality. We are all living by it.

In the case of being judgmental, too many. Almost automatically, so quickly what the mind tell us, we take it as the true. 

Think again, maybe not.

If we allow space for some questions, the judgmental statement will be shaken, may lost its ground and slide over to the other end. 

That's too a judgment.

Whatever situation that we arrive upon on, both personally or from others, we start to generate a quick self conversation of "good" & " bad".

We associate such words according to our personal experience and understanding; which may be in another case for the others. 

I'm originally has a very indecisive mind. Give me two choices, i can easily categorize as " like" or " don't like", " good" or "bad", " yes" or " no".

Give me more choices, i'll start to fiddle around that many options, and my self judging system will breakdown. And i'll start to ask many questions of elimination and so on... eventually, all options becomes neutral to me. 

We pass judgement everyday, so long there are choices we need to make, we judge. Even buying apples. While some people think dull skin apple is fresher, others says waxed and shiny ones are better.

No matter what, it is the truth at that time; until something else reveals.  

Behind all these haggling, there's one truth. 

Of course for me, i can easily pass judgements as if i'm drinking water. But i always falls on different  sides in different situations. Sometimes i like the morning rain when i don't have to teach any class; sometimes i don't like it when i've to be on the street. 

For this, i realize i'm not judging the rain as bad or good. 

I'm judging my experience at that time, and i'm the experiencer. 

Self- judgement doesn't makes my mood any better, if i allow it to swing to different point-- i fluctuate with it. Its just another form of re assurance, a matter of our insecurity.

By having constant judging, it makes us feel "correct" or " incorrect".
But so what? Why do we need to get affected by it? How much time we have been using to straddle between these two side?

Equilibrium. 

The point when we see things, people and events as it is. There's no positive and negative, not even neutral. Like a lemon is sour, there's nothing much to be picky about its sweetness. 

Learning to see through the layers of sheaths of ourselves, at the same time, we starts to understand the nature of a person. 

Hands off clean of dualities, we stand at the point of equilibrium as the pendulum keeps on swinging on its own. 

Yoga teaching is an easy job? Say it again.

Whoever that conveniently says yoga teaching is a stress-free and easy job, i'll mentally dong your head with my spatula. Sometimes this gets on my nerves...not always,  just sometimes.

The best part was when some make it worst with those few occasions they checking out the rates i'm charging each class and the number of classes i'm teaching, calculated my assumed salary of a yoga teacher.
And thanks for the conclusion with " Wow, you must be very rich with such an easy job!"

The bench mark of being a successful yoga teacher varies.

I'm generally not too concern with how many numbers of students i've taught; i'm more appreciative with how many student i'd actually helped. 

I've been in corporate life, though not too long, long enough for me to realize that's not my cup of tea. Been there, done that. 

Do understand my instant jump into this yoga wagon definitely has swirled me into endless uncertainties & insecurities. If you want to talk about stable income, CPF contribution, bonus & list of corporate enhancement--- i don't have any of them. 

Those yoga posters you see along the street, that glamorous, gracefulness & serenity... don't be silly... that's for advertisement purposes. Go into the studio, you'll see messed up hairdo, trembling muscles, distorted facial & sweaty bodies... not forgetting about the mixture of body smell. 

Yoga teaching, a glamorous job? Think again. 

The glamor probably happens only at the entering into the class & standing in front of the students.

- We ended our work day by mid-day, because we started our day when you're still snoozing in sweet dreams.

- Doing our practice is not a kind of luxurious hobby; its us taking lessons through self-practice. 

-Our private practice is actually a challenge we are lifting to explore our range of emotions actively. And like you, we are still in the process of learning to be a better person in difficult situation. 

- Touching and physical adjustments of the your bodies, with different mode of strength control, uses a lot of our energy. 

- While one side of our brain is generating the right vocabulary of verbal instructions, the other side of our brain is busy accessing and generating methods to help your aliments.

- Whatever words that comes out from our mouth and our head is not on the same time. Usually, we need the mind to be at least two steps ahead of what your ears received. 

- Though we are looking at one direction, but in fact, we have been trained to have a " third" eye implanted at the back of our head. So, whatever you do behind our back, we saw it. 

- All our senses ( except taste) has to operate fully to read you. By the sight of your facial expression, listening to your breathing, smelling your body scent and touching the reaction of your flesh-- we actually rapidly generate a brief report your problems. And quickly follow by approached to rectify them.

- And finally, the sweat on our skin and clothes, are a mixture sweats from you.

Inclusively of the above, i still like what i'm doing. Its never ever relax job, but the fact that i enjoy everything about it.... its worth my time and attention i put into it. 

Getting into the practice of yoga & getting into teaching of yoga--- are two separate matter. 

One who enjoy the practice, may not enjoy the teaching. 

One who wants to teach, has to be dedicated to the practice.  

I don't start teaching only when i'm in the field of yoga. Basically, i like teaching.. if i like the subject well enough. In school days, i've already given the opportunities to explore my skills of teaching---

my time in the music bands over 8 years or even teaching my classmates accounting subject.

Yoga just happened to be one of the subject that i'm intensely curious in, therefore scooping deeper into the subject. 

The magical moment during savasana.

Have you been into the state of that magical moment of stillness during your time in savasana?
This short period will happen only a solid focused practice is done before taking this rest.

When finally i reached the last pose, sweats droplets sliding down to hair ends & body soaking wet... i lay down comfortably flat on the mat.

Trying to catch every breath, as my body soften part by part after each exhalation, my heart beats taking its sweet time to slow down.... i closed my eyes. I was too tired anyway to think about any other stuff, just to allow my thoughts settle on the base of my mind.

I could still hear the clock ticking, the birds chirping repeatedly outside the window...
Soon, those surrounding sounds seems to move further and further away from me;
at the same time, i was moving closer and closer towards myself.
Its a stranger feeling--- i sort of then understand the phrase " moving inwards to yourself"... it felt this way.

Slowly, i was also moving away from the gentle flow of my breathes. It was getting more shallow then before... and finally, it ceased. Everything stops for a while, the emptiness that people had been talking about seems like this. The body and mind felt like hovering few centimeter above the ground. I guess i must have been holding my breath, but i felt no pressure at all... everything weightless.

This moment, happens only for that short while. Nothing had ever made me enter into this state other than a good savasana. The in between slot of awake and sleep.

And suddenly, i took a deep inhale, amazing feeling... that immediately reminded me of the burst of life, the appreciation of being alive, the light of hopes. That one inhalation, pulled me back to reality again.

Words have power, what do you read?

For the past 21 years for who i know myself, reading is never in my activity list... and book is never my friend. But i love hiding in the library, because i enjoy the silence. I used to stroll along bookshelves, gazing past the book spine, reading the title under my breath.

Which ever that caught my attention, i would just slot it out with my index, a quick look at the book cover, and slot it back into position. That's all.

Only recent years, i started to get into a habit of reading--- instead of engaging into too much gossips or useless conversations, i would rather have conversation with good authors. I've quit reading too much newspapers & magazines these days; because they messed up our thoughts and the way we think. The manipulation of the media is too much to handle.

Honestly, newspapers should be a medium for us to know whats happening in the public and around us; not to inject unnecessary anger, anxiety and fear in our mind. Seriously, 80% of the news are magnifying the negatives of other's people life, and people loves reading it--- not knowing that subconsciously we are affected by it.

Even if i do read them, i finished browsing through less than 5 minutes-- just the photos and the headlines.
Every write up has a power to influence our thought, and i want to at least get influence by the right stuff that can improve my life, not degrading of my character.

Books are like friends, we do need to choose them wisely too.
Friends are not just human, books are not just words. They carry ideas & message that has the power to mould us.

We give what we had received. We can either emit messages of empowerment or words of destruction. It depends on what we choose to fill the capacity of knowledge with. I never used to give a second look for those pages filled with words, but i do now.... because they are worth it.

On a side note... i'm not a bookworm.

Besides those yoga related and anatomy books which can be very dry at times, there's some great and inspiring writer i love... here are some of my favorite picks:

All the titles by Mitch Albom;

Alchemist, Like the Flowing River, Warrior of Lights, The Devil & Miss Prym by Paulo Coelho;

Maturity, Love by Osho;

All titles by Robin Sharma.

Currently i'm checking out Awaken The Giant Within by Anthony Robbins :)

Practicing with injuries: An expansion of knowledge.

I’ve always been grateful to the teachers who had introduced the method of Ashtanga Vinyasa method, and those who had been inspiring me to continue in such demanding practice till today.

While having a chit chat with my working partner, Shirly last week--- both of us were pouring out our concerns on our recent physical pains & injuries from the practices. Ironically, instead of shunning away from the practice altogether, we were encouraging each other how we should take a step back and modify our practice accordingly to our physical condition.

While there are 6 series in the Ashtanga Vinyasa collection, I have tasted that Primary and some bites from the Secondary.

The Primary series is a no- escape for anyone is coming into this traditional teaching. It has a name give to this full sequence as “ Yoga Chikitasa”--- means “ Yoga Therapy”.  Bashing off the idea of a slow and sweat-less session commonly seen in today’s yoga studios--- this is a very pro-active style of therapy. With the benefit of thorough physical detoxification, one couldn’t imagine how much bad stuff had been living off inside us for years.

The Primary series don’t just take 10 or 20 sessions, 1 or 2 months to“ complete”. It took me 4 years (since 2009) before i'm allowed to... or a teacher give me the first pose of the Secondary series.

Of course I was delighted, it felt like I’ve “graduated” from the Primary and moving on to the Secondary. The Second series holds a different purpose of the practice. After the body purification process from the Primary, one is then ready to face the next deeper level of purification--- Nadi Shodhana, also know as "Nerve Purification."

This nerve breaking practice can almost give me a mental breakdown. It not only involves in many deep back- bends and twists; it demands for so much strength I couldn’t have imagined.  It sways me between the sense of fear and frustration, and constant testing of my tolerance level to walk out of the room. 

Never a thought I would want to avoid or give up this series—even though I’m at a snail crawling speed. The indescribable nice effect after the practice is invaluable.

While so much chest opening movement are involved, which opens the door of our heart centre--- a very intimate place in each of us, where our emotions stay.

Like lifting the lid of the Pandora box, once the contents in the box are revealed, the fluctuation of the mind is almost unmanageable at times. However, when each layer shows up, I learnt something about myself. 

And so, finally one fine day during my exploration of this passionate series, I injured myself. The physical pain was not as bad as the guilt and self- blame that was happening inside me. It felt as if I’ve disrupted my own practice by not able to move anymore forward.

I couldn’t swallow the pride of having to retrace back to the Primary series. At first, I felt like a downgraded practice.  Still expecting my body to perform the expected level... eventually I came peace with myself and decided to listen to the crying pain of my knee.  

Ok, I’ll go back to the primary and even modify it--- after all, I was the one who landed myself in this situation.

Days ago, I would have carry the thought that our practice can only move forward. After the peaceful pact, I’ve realized that the practice is an expansion of knowledge as a whole learning tank, which I can always revisit what I’ve acquired previously as an assistant to the difficulties I’m facing at the present time.

Shirly gave a very good example (learning from her previous injures)--- it felt like someone had just pushed you down the stairs while you thought you’ve been doing well climbing almost to the top. And back down to the first step again, the frustration is not helpful at all. Being angry or sad will not bring me back to where I fell from--- why not look forward and retrace the steps up again.

This is when the mind will start to look down on the physical, blubbering unconstructive comments--- while the injured physical is still shouting like a child. I’ve learned to create space between both for wisdom to handle what’s appropriate.

And yes, my knee got so much better than I thought, whee!

Just on a side note:)

Life, its a funny game. Sometime i don't know if i'm playing the game, or i'm being played on.
The time when i feel i'm in full control--- i'm playing the game. The time when i'm knocked down--- its playing me.

Through the practice of yoga, it has sort of reveals layers and layers of issues, that i've been stuffing right at the bottom, hide it well so that i don't get to see it-- and it wouldn't affect me. But that's not so much of the case, what i didn't realize, or being sensitive to was that the practice actually makes me, locating those roots and seeds these past issues.

I was scared, very. But i didn't know how to verbalize or rationalize it in proper words. I just felt it churning in inferno inside me.

The good thing about the whole practice is, on the other hand--- i'm also given some tools and knowledge before hand to handle this up coming issues. If i were few years younger, i would have lose my grip and swirl into the mess again.

We down fall bottomlessly-- we don't. There's always a pit somewhere, and when we touch the pit.. the only way is up.

When we reached a stage where nothing make sense anymore, flip the table over. We set the rules, and they play the game. 

Quick fix--- go to pharmacy. Else, get back to your yoga mat and work it out.

Today a student was asking me for additional class for her husband, as she was worried about his high cholesterol level with the recent health report. I was quite reluctant and told her he probably has to wait till next year as i'm not taking any new slots till I'm off for my travel.

She was very concerned and trying to talk me through taking her husband. Interestingly, she noted that her husband had never willing to do yoga previously; and this time he actually requested for it but was not ready to put in more than 10 minutes of practice.

I was puzzled. So what now? Do i have to match his aloof decision of finally wanting to have a glance at this practice?

Very bluntly, i told my student that if her husband is not willing to even put one hour per day for his health, i'm not willing to put my time for him.

Her expression went crescent, and quickly change the situation by promoting how focus her husband and discipline he is. Finally, i slotted something for him; on a side note that yoga is neither a quick fix nor he should expect this practice works like Panadols.

Many students expect to resolve their 30 odd years of accumulated pains and problems in just 10 sessions of yoga. That's how crudely a student will expect from a teacher. But you know what, during that 10 sessions of yoga practice, is only the beginning for peeping into that small hole of your whole problem.

Whether you can see your own problem itself, is a problem. Many students are not ready to accept what they are facing. So, not till you are able to bring yourself to face your own trash--- we, the teachers will not be able to make you resolve anything.

Frankly, if you want a quick fix, i'll bring you to the pharmacist. But in most case, students are more familiar with the tablets & pills ( even the side effect) more than we do. Realize that those pills are not going to help us better than we help ourselves, please stay focus and patient with the practice.

I'm not as zen as what a yoga teacher should be, or expected to be. Whenever someone tries to entertain me off with " i really want to do the practice, but i can't commit my time ( one hour a week at least)."

Can't help it, inside me would rudely shout out loud, " oh shut up! you don't want to do yoga, stop entertaining me just because a yoga teacher is standing in front of you.
You have time to gossip, watch movie, shopping, cafe hopping... but not time for an hour practice. i rather you be honest with yourself. Enjoy the pain & all the best!".

Yes, that what i will be thinking at the back of my mind. The facial expression they see on me--- a blank look or a slight smile & walk away.

Someone mentioned this:

" If you have nothing nice to say, or not able to appreciate. Just keep quiet and walk away."

Pain is real. Yes it is. I'll take it all.

Yesterday marked my first time injuring myself successfully during the practice. For 6 years, i've always been very careful about not stepping over the line. Finally, it happened.

I was exploring new movements, while battling to secure my right leg behind my neck... i heard a         " piak" ( just like a sound when you tear your pants). I was literally shock and froze in that awkward position for few second. Did i just heard something disgusting? I released my leg super slowly, while retreating myself to lay flat on my mat.

Gingerly, with every little movement, my mind started to scanned through if there's any sharp pain.
No. No pain at all.
Oh great, what now? What happened?  Did i tear some fibers? If i did, i should be crying right now. The droplets on my face were my sweat, not tears.
 Ironically, i still managed to complete my practice as usual, painless.

 But inside my heart i was praying, being hopeful that nothing too serious. I blamed myself for being so impatient and lack of awareness. Only couple of hours when i got home, i felt the swell birthing. Which then i managed to locate the exact piece of muscle : Anterior Tibialis.
Oh anterior tibialis, i don't think i'll ever forget about you again. Thanks for the attention!

I limped around the house, with an ice pack dangled around my knee;  felt really lousy.
While i was always thankful for my flexible- inclined body, i took it for granted and pushed it off the limit.

Doubtful, worried and scared, all are coming. My fear of getting injured had finally arrived.
Ok, what had happened.. had happened. Time to take responsible for it, and learn my lesson well!

While i've always heard and read about injuries by ashtanga teachers, it can come down to a long list. If you have seen the chart of just the Primary Series, you'll understand.
Which reminded me of how James nonchalantly told me its alright with the strained after the class. He probably been through much more. 

Sri K Pattabhi Jois once said, " Pain is real". Yes it is.

It reminded me that my body is made of flesh and blood. Tangibly, it will deteriorate as i age. That it is exposed to risk for the things i do and the environment I'm living in.

Pain makes me real, that i should never a second to spend living in my mind or imagination of a perfectly fine and healthy body.
This is what your real body has to offer you, take it.

While we assume everything has to be perfectly high up, something will pull us down. Nothing stays constantly up or constantly down. Just like the series in the Ashtanga method, some pose are easy breezy to handle, which one or two of them are a hard nut to crack.

It moves, and the process of the whole practice teaches us how to manage it.

All is well. It has to be:)

Why home practice is good--- its challenging though.

Yesterday had a long conversation with a friend at the cafe below the shala after practice, its funny how suddenly we had so much to talk about. She was sharing with me how the inconvenient of traveling within Kuala Lumpur had sort of forced her to build up her own home practice.

Which i totally understood how challenging it can be to practice on your own. The feeling of vulnerable when all those lazy thoughts are waiting to attack the mind, " persuading" us to cut corners in the practice.

While some teachers make student dependent on them, and some teachers encourage independency.
I'm super grateful my teacher intention was to let us go and build our own practice at home.

My teacher Master Paalu once said, " Home practice is the real practice for self- discipline. Nobody will understand how much it takes to practice alone at home until they do it. For a long time."
Each time, its like a mind battling game. I've to admit that i learn so much from this process.

Now, when i travel around, the practice follows me. I don't need to find an excuse for myself because of being away from teacher. I become my own teacher, and discover so much more.

Whether being in a class or alone, both are good. It depends on what you want out of the practice. The intention.

September the 2nd

Setting off for a travel never fails to lighten my soul. Not entirely about the travel plan itself, but just by arriving to the departure hall of the airport. Suddenly, my feet felt so feather light, while few days ago it was heavy like stepping on wet cement.

In order not to get post flight body stiffness, I deliberately woke up in the wee hour 4am to start my practice. A good body full of sweat pouring over my face and all over my body--- feels good. The morning was cool, my body was warm from the inside.

Everyone was sleeping, I had the living room all by myself. Neither did i turn the lights on nor put on my contact lens. The half- blindness vision while doing the practice in darkness was an experience.

Had a good rest at towards the end, and everything feels like simple bliss.

My mum who was persistence of sending me off, finally went to bed. I called out to her twice after I packed up everything, wanting to just notify her--- no response. Not wanting to disturb her in dreamland, I creeped out of the house like a thief. 

Bon voyage. 

What is the biggest addiction?

Its close to midnight, and before i packed up for a short getaway; i want to pen down this post for a recent conference i was watching on a video by Shivani Kumari. 


I posted a question on my Facebook status 12 hours ago " What is the biggest addiction?" just curious about the responses i might receive.  Some said " chocolate", " shopping", " air", " stalking Facebook postings"...

Among all those varieties displays of addiction--- in my personal view, the biggest addiction is "addiction" itself. Whatever we are addicted to, doesn't matter. It can be drugs, smoking, desserts, food, games... some are even addicted to anger or being in depression.

Any form of addiction that we have, can control us like a puppet.

In the video i was watching by Shivani, interestingly pointed out that the biggest addiction  today--- is using people's lies to feel good about ourselves. Many times we tend to rely on people's opinions to decide how we should feel.

As praises can be as venomous as criticism--- we tend to get affected by either one of them, isn't it?

Say, if someone said i've a beautiful haircut--- my level of " feeling good" shoot up rocket sky. 
If another person said my haircut is really bad--- my level of " feeling good" from that high, thumped straight down to the ground. 
So, now i'm confused how i should feel, happy or not happy? And i go around as for more opinions.

When does public opinions becomes so important to us?
When we don't know ourselves well enough.

When we don't know ourselves deep enough, we lost ground.
We get shaken by others easily. We copy what other people are doing, we lost our originality of being who we are.

Addiction is not a bad thing, or horrible--- if we know how to pull and release them within our grip. We become slaves to addictions---- if we lost grounding and being led by it.

For instance, i remembered a short discussion with a friend earlier back on an addiction for acceptance socially.

Personally, i never agree to the response as " politically correct answer". Which a friend was telling me that we have to sometimes... or most of the time to response in " politically correct answer"--- in another meaning to me is to be a copy cat, even if you disagree deep down inside. 

Honestly, its either i appreciate with sweet words, or i'll speak my silence with a sweet smile.

The bigger questions in life?

Have you ever have some fleeting moments when you start asking the bigger question in regards to life? I reckon i started asking myself some of the bigger questions when i started to enjoy free time.

When i say free time, its really free.

Chances when i could sit in a cafe, staring blank at the people rushing up and down the street; when everything through my eyes started to slow down to a pause. During this halt, the bigger questions in life started to interest me. Sometimes, i could even sit for an hour, of doing nothing.

When i say bigger questions, i refer to those questions that answers are not found in books, and the level of understanding of the answers vary at different stage of my life, through different mouths.

Why is it essential to take out some time from busy routine for these questions?
At least to me, these questions increases the value of life itself; that makes me appreciate the whole idea of mine and the others'  existence. Discovering the value of each life force beyond price tags.

We do know that not everybody is ready or aware of these bigger questions. Its all about timing, the time when we are open to schedule in free time of " just doing nothing", the questions will flow in naturally. 

Are you.... a control freak?

This morning practice with James was quite a humorous one--- i couldn't stop laughing with the rest while we still try to keep our practice going.

There was this lady, who was trying to jump up to a handstand; ideally followed by fall over to a backbend. 

After her many many tries, she still couldn't make herself fall over to the other side. Sulking, she asked James why she couldn't tip over to other side. 

James said, " Just bring your feet to the other side, just fall over. You're controlling to get the balance too much. "

"Shouldn't  falling be much easier than to control. You have way too good control ?!" 

While i heard the other lady said jokingly, " Maybe she's a control freak..?"

James responded as he was pointing to himself,  " I... I don't think there is just one person in this room is a control freaks.!" 

" We all just like to control, as much as we can, aren't we?"

It was an interesting point which i never realized. Because of our fear of falling, the anxiety about the unknown result, we tend to use all our might to control the situation ( by control ourselves and other's too).... to hold on to the zone of expectation. 

I totally understand her situation of not able to tip over to a fall. It all just very mental. 

For so many times when i tried to jump and fall back, always... always when i reached to a point of total balance, i would not want to explore the falling down zone.

Till one day, i got so frustrated with me being such as coward cat, and talked to my brain before i went for my next try " what's the big deal, just fall and roll all over... whatever!" 

The time when i decided to stop playing the role of a control freak, i let go of the rein, and fell l over...

I did fall with a loud "thump!"... but not as tragic as i had always imagine. 

Many times, we find ourselves wanting to take control of our or even others' life too much. And this is taking a huge toll of ourselves--- chunking out pieces and pieces of peace each time.

Be brave enough to loosen the grip, and feel the lightness of everything.

Let it happen, let it be. The way it is. 

"What is will always be.
What is not, never was and never will be."

~ Bhagavad Geeta